Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Why is falling in love scary?
Why do people often shut down in the face of intimacy?
Because of an intense fear of vulnerability.
Dr. Brene Brown, Professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, explains this phenomenon: “Vacillating between I am here and I love you…and I’m going to reveal my innermost to you…and I am scared to death that you’ll reject me.” Ironically, the vulnerability we try desperately to avoid may be the key to a successful relationship. shows that the quality that makes a relationship last is its degree of affection and affection implies vulnerability.
In , I described the critical health impact of social connections and relationships. Brown, an expert on social connection, conducted thousands of interviews to discover the root of deep social connection. A thorough analysis of the data revealed what it was: vulnerability. Vulnerability here does not mean being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Although we may try to run from vulnerability, it is an inevitable part of social relationships. Even outside of romance, vulnerability is something we encounter frequently: calling someone who has just lost a child, asking a friend for help, taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work, confronting a family member about their behavior, or sitting by the bedside of a friend with a terminal illness. Opportunities for vulnerability present themselves to us every day, the question is whether we will take them.
Why do we fear vulnerability? We are afraid that if someone finds out who we really are, they will reject us. While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to connect with others in actual fact pretense often has the opposite effect intended. Research by Paula Niedenthal shows that we resonate too deeply with one another not to perceive inauthenticity. We even register inauthenticity in our bodies. A study by shows that when we are inauthentic and try to hide our feelings, others respond physiologically (a rise in blood pressure). This physiological response may explain our discomfort around inauthentic or “fake” people.
On the other hand, when people stick to the truth (including avoiding little white lies), not only does their well-being increase but their relationships improve, suggests. Another indicates that verbally expressing our feelings exactly as they are may help us overcome emotions faster. When we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. “We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth,” says Brown. “We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.” Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same.
Yes, vulnerability can lead to hurt. Brown explains that women often tell men that they want their partner to be vulnerable and to share their feelings but then recoil in disgust when men do. When women share their feelings, men often feel frustrated or powerless and want to find a fixed and pragmatic solution. Yet is it worth walking through fear and vulnerability to experience social connection? Absolutely. “Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I’ll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work,” says Brown. “It’s about intention – ‘Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.’”
To know that you are seen and loved for who you are and to perceive someone else in all of their vulnerability and love them as they are may just be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences.
Next time you feel yourself close up in fear in a romantic relationship or otherwise, notice if you can make the choice to be courageous. Take a risk and embrace vulnerability.
To quote the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson: ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ (In Memoriam:27, 1850)
From a post by Emma Seppala
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Saturday, January 2, 2016
A Zen monk is passing through a forest. Suddenly he becomes aware that one tiger is following him, so he starts running. But his running is also of a Zen type; he is not in a hurry. He is not mad. His running also is smooth, harmonious. He is enjoying it. And it is said that the monk thinks in the mind, "If the tiger is enjoying it, then why not I?"
And the tiger is following him. Then he comes near a precipice. To escape from the tiger, he hangs from the branch of a tree. And then he looks downwards. One lion is standing there in the valley, waiting for him. Then the tiger has reached, he is standing just near the tree on the hilltop. He is hanging in between, just with a branch, and a lion is waiting for him, deep down.
He laughs. Then he looks. Two mice are just cutting that branch... one white, one black. Then he laughs very loudly.
He says, "This is life. Day and night, white and black mice cutting. And wherever I go, death is waiting. This is life!" And it is said that he achieves a satori - the first glimpse of enlightenment. This is life! Nothing to worry about; this is how things go. Wherever you go death is waiting, and even if you don't go anywhere day and night are cutting your life. So he laughs loudly.
Then he looks around because now it is certain. Now there is no worry. When death is certain, what is the worry? Only in uncertainty, there is worry. When everything is certain, there is no worry; now it has become a destiny. So he looks for these few moments how to enjoy. He becomes aware just by the side of the branch are some strawberries, so he picks a few strawberries, eats them. They are the best ones of his life. He enjoys them, and it is said he becomes enlightened in that moment.
He has become a Buddha because death is so near even then he is not in any hurry. He can enjoy a strawberry.The taste of it is sweet! He thanks God. It is said in that moment everything disappears - the tiger, the lion, the branch, he himself. He has become the cosmos.
This is patience, absolute patience! Wherever you are, in that moment enjoy without asking for the future. No future thoughts in the mind - just the present moment, the nowness of the moment, and you are satisfied. Then there is no need to go anywhere. Wherever you are, from that very point you will drop into the ocean; you will become one with the cosmos
Shared by Rashid Falak.